Mellon Collie and the Infinte happiness

I am asked the question many times that why my posts are depressing.I really ,when I am writing them,never feel that they are in anyway sad,but yeah the sensibilities differ and even I admit,when looking at my posts when I am not in one of my 'mellon-collie' moods,that the posts ARE depressing.I must learn the art of coating the sadness with sarcasm.It makes a good writing sense too.But the reason I am writing this post is to self-examine the reason why I get into such states.

One of the obvious reason is medical--manic-depression.I still feel that even though it runs in my family,my hightened sensitivity makes me all the more prone to mood swings.I remember one particular incident from my childhood which never can escape from my memory(my short term memory is fucked up,but memories that happened before my drug abuse days are intact).I was 5 when my parents took me to a fun park.We were back there in Aus those days.And contrary to wht my present state my suggest,i had a loving family and my parents are one of the most loving people I can ever hope to find.Anyways..in the park they bought me a pink helium ballon.It was THE happiness for me.I tied it on my little hand and would not let go of it.During one of the rides though,the thread somehow got free..I screamed murder as my balloon rose into the air.I saw it going up,rising towards the sun as I was crying with tears..pleading it to come back.The thing which had given me so much happiness was leaving me now.And something more dawned on me as I saw the balloon rising up in the air,getting smaller in my vision,racing to disappear behind the sun,or someplace else.I could feel,some part of myself had gone with the balloon.It was probably a part of my skin,my sweat,a part of my hair,something,anything..which had gone,vanished.The period of hysterical cries was followed by a stunned silence.I felt,as i still feel now-reliving the moment and writing about it..a sudden darkness dropping in me,burying me in it's weight.I always had an active imagination.My dad brought me another balloon,but somehow something was gone.It never came back.Not even now.

I experience happiness too,much better than you people.And that makes the long runs between moments of happiness more damnable for me.I admit that i get too down at times,sometimes at the point of thinking in terms of suicide(I was watching a documentry on brain surgery and found that brain has no feelings of pain.'shooting my brains out' seem to be the least painful of the methods to die..hehe,am kidding..or maybe not),but these moments are rare.Most of the time I am in a normal state,my 'normal' ofcourse much down when compared to you all--readers of this blog,but know what..i assure ya my highs are much higher too.

~~my vallies are deep and my mountains high
into the arms of ether,my spirit rise and fly
i slip back,my wings tattered and in rags
i'll rise soon,a phoenix from the ashes of my death~~