Saved.

I sometimes look for reasons why I am still living.Sometimes the reasons are hard to come by.Sometimes they are as in-the-face as the sarcasm of your mom/dad.I was lying on the floor again last evening(thats one of the ways i relax when my mind is zooming and taking me to all kinda of crazy places) and suddenly I was overwhelmed by the enormity of this thought--"why am i still existing?".I needed an answer urgently and i sensed that.In my overzealous teenage fits,when i didn't get the answers instantly i would start smashing things around and cutting myself..just to attract attention,mind you.I never wanted to die,but to get close.Like not wanting to enter thru' the doors and reach the 'other side' but maybe peep thru the keyholes.And believe me,peeped i did.many times.But these days,teenage angst has paid off well..now i'm bored and old(to borrow a line from Kurt Cobain who incidently said his goodbyes at age 27..i am 23),so i just laid down and waited for the answer to come.I sensed that music was playing in my stereo system.A pink floyd cd i had put and forgotten about it.And then i realised that music ,and music made like THAT is one of the reasons I am here.They really astound me.How can a group of people have soo great a talent.It's unfair.I envy.The artistic freedom they had,and the uninhibited use they made of it,is nothing short of miraculous.It's divine and maks me feel closer to God.The shrikes of monstrous bird,a chopper nosily hovering,reaching into mind shattering crecendo of tumultuous noise merging softly into soothing guitar and keyboard sounds.That time i don't want to stir.Just be one with the music.And be drowned in it.Lost in the cesspool of the ripples it creates,oblivious to every oblivion that stares me in the face.Floyd will rescue me anyday.
Oh and btw, i can create every Floyd tune on my Fender.