I still feel profound dislocation in society. I feel disconnected from most people, and it's painful. I think I am quite tormented by the halls of hell I've constructed in my own mind. I realise it's all perception, and mine is fundamentally flawed. I fall within the dark and dangerous structures of my mind too easily, too often. Shaky ground. Rotting structures. I see most things these days in terms of decay. It's not right, not healthy. When I see the beauty of life it moves me to tears. I cry for those things lost, although when they were in the present I was unable to enjoy them due to the fact I was mourning the past past. Catch 22s and spiked paradox wherever you roam. What the hell is the key to peace and contentment? How does one so profoundly change one's perception? Inner peace must be the greatest gift...
You know, I don't believe suicide is an outlet, as tempting as it seems at times. Because I really think that if and when you take your life in such a way, you awaken shortly afterward again to your own mind, your own perception. No escape. Something you must work through, grow.
But I don't know how I'm changing or if I'm growing. I've always been these way, the morbid melancholic. Tormented as a child, and now still as a child in this ageing body. In many ways I just long to escape the body. Shirk this shell.
Shirk this hell.
Sorry for being dramatic, I'm just being too much of myself today. Life is hard. As always