Monday, December 24, 2007

Into the far reaching afterworlds

The ripples are everywhere.In churches and in the stars.Million galaxies I have seen,in the eyes of a solitary soldier.Frangrances of which we can only dream of.And music which is so soft and so moving that you would want to embrace the trees and jump down the valleys.And yet the eyes are vacant.Looking into the limitless void for some vision which can redeem.The dreams to catch and lives to live.All in sepia.Discolored due to ancientness.Such words and the light feathered angles which dance round my head.Its such a gala time.The soft strands of her hair,and the cold afternoon glow on her cheekbones,the slight turn of the lips as I move my hands over hers.And then she flies,circling around the clocks with a twinkle in her eyes.The flower angel oh the flower angel.Sad? No.Just looking vacantly to the forests and the seas.My ship is calling.The angels and the demons await the captain to board.The soldiers are ready.The flags are flowing and the canons set.

They wont catch me and you.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Talking Blues

I can't find any respite from my demons.Its tough to be crazy and act like normal.Sometimes the shields just give in and I'm exposed. Busted!

"we knew you were a little always on the edge you know,like you'd harm yourself or everyone around here"

~~but ...~~

"why are you silent? why dont you say something"

~~i want to.i dont know if I should~~

"you have so much talent.dont waste it like you are wasting.why dont you LIKE people.take interest in them..please"

~~..i want to.I try.i fail.~~

"you know what..screw you"

"fuck you too..leave me alone"

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

There There

"why do you think so much"

perched on the vantage view of aloofness,I can dismiss all extraneous trivialities with anger.Its not bitterness; its angst.But the results still are as random,flying off the trajectories into unknown spheres.who cares,I pluck one more standard thought-piece and put it neatly into the jigsaw.Satisfied now.

I feel the sense of rejection more acutely than my fellow earthlings.But it probably points to some longing for something more ethreal,at least more intelligent.It's tough to see slowness creating a rot inside each soul.Numbness is a faithful partner though who comes back everytime.Thank God,

"its better to burn,than to fade away

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Death Smiles

Death is the road to awe
Exchanging glances with thunderbolts
For a brief moment
Of lunacy she had
Fields of roses gently waving
In a sea of green algae like tentacles
Much of her dreams
They make her sad
Brief static and poignant
Are the threads of life
Infinitely complex, like a wicked child’s mind
And her smile tortures her
It shouldn’t be that bad.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007


Candle you burn bright, gasping for breath
Fight you hard, how valiant is your struggle
And how absurd.
The infinite darkness wishes for an embrace
A love making of ethereal proportions
He woos- a violent courtship.
Much love is lost and most forgotten
Into the complex warp of time
Into nothingness you melt, struggling
Resisting eternal love-the melting of ego
Don’t you cry O beautiful light
into the arms of your lover you mingle
into the arms of silence, of oneness,
into oblivion.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007


Where is the torch I lit
Where went the light
The flames that die in my eyes
And the ashes that settle
On the poppy flowers
Singing requiem to another dream
Broken into million shards
Like the million stars in the sky
Are they broken pieces of
A grand dream of another psychotic
Or another sad God in his own world.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

The Importance of closing eyes

Pain was sometime such a sudden rush. Now it spreads slowly like nerve gas, and builds up..inflating like a helium balloon, never rising but sinking down, and down until nothing but a dark vacuum encloses one in a tight hug and then there is no darkness. You become one with it. And the dissolution is absolute and final. And then the one winged goddess comes down. A beautiful angel who is the keeper of all things broken and tattered and yet beautiful. Maybe beautiful because of all broken lines. Like flowers on graves. Like a moonless night. Like withered petals. Like love lost. Absolute. Absolution.

Thursday, August 09, 2007


we ride tonite
on ghost horses.

Thursday, August 02, 2007


Exhausted—that’s how I feel. The trivialities of life sometimes seem so enormous, hiding the beauty that the world has inherently. And I do have this tendency to be blind to whatever is white and an affinity for whatever is bleak. So the greys don’t exist for me. It’s easier isn’t it, to see life as simple black and white. But then that’s the way I am. I don’t feel eccentric at all when I feel no need for long lasting human contact. And whatever they think, I am not cold. I just have sensitivities which are tangents to what normal sensitivities are. I still feel an enormous excitement when I read complex mathematics and I am good with numbers since I was little. They present a stability and they don’t talk back. They are as silent as I can be and that makes me comfortable in their company.
It’s a strange world in which we live. I’m just adding to the strangeness.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Shut up

I feel lonely. And I don’t like it. I don’t understand it somehow. I can’t seem to relate with people. I can’t seem to be close to them for long. My unorthodox personality attracts people towards me, out of curiosity presumably. It wears off soon and then they just leave. I feel the hurt of rejection more than others I guess. I would like to think that people are a distraction. They might be. But when they just walk away it leaves me perplexed. If only I could do that first. Be bored and leave. But I would tell them that. I would at least have the courtesy to be rude.

Don't even think

Sheets of black unfurled into the big void
The lust of all things shine through my eyes
Black! how scarred is life
And still I run on treadmills infinite
Intoxicated, blind, muted and blackened
For centuries have passed
And many births and many many deaths later
I am homesick of my alien nation
My purple hued nation of peace and love
And I the disposed emperor long for the return
Black! How scarred life is
And I used to care, but now its easy
To swallow the bile and shine the lust
And to run nowhere to go
And no strength to stop.

Monday, July 23, 2007

3:42 in the morning

3:18 am and I can’t sleep. Now it doesn’t really matter you see, because I am an insomniac and a black coffee doesn’t help at all. And when you are lying awake in bed and thoughts of angels with purple grey moth-eaten wings who ride on crimson clouds come to your mind you rather stop trying to sleep. And so here I am.
The strangest thing about my imagination is that it is so manic depressive. I am not. My imagination is. It fucks me up at times and sometimes it makes me happy. And I still can hear the laughter in my brain. And sounds of doors closing/opening. I see colors too in my brain when I close my eyes. Sometimes they are shining and vibrant and most times they are plain stupid. I can’t trust my perceptions anymore. I try so hard to be normal and I fail utterly. But I reckon I’m a hard nut. An incorrigible optimist.’s me I am talking about. You can smirk but that’s what I really feel. How else can I explain the desire which comes again and again to try and improve my life? To be like..normal. Now you might say that’s not a big ask. But for me it is. Maybe I am a genius of some sort. Not understood in this century and maybe read about in some years later with a book titled “The Life of a Misfit: Lessons from tragedy”. Fuck that! That’s a bad title, but know what I don’t care. I wanna write a poem now.

Obscure are the pages
Of time in which I sleep
And you float,
In the water of the ocean blue
That hangs upside down
Moist filled blue eyes
Dark as dark as babies cry
Sleep the mighty bird
Flies in the vastness
And pages of time flutter
No sound is heard
I did not see me die.
The stage of the world
Is a disappointment
The curtain is too heavy
And I am too frail.
So look up in the sky
The optimist in I
The bird is caged
The eyes have dried
Still no sound is heard
I did not see you die.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Jesus Christ Pose

Such a beautiful thing a smile is.And happiness makes all of us Jesus-the forgiver.And I want to forgive everyone,including myself in this moment of happiness or at least the absense of sadness.The lightness gives me a high.I find that when I am happy,I don't turn into a social bird;infact outworldy i'm still as aloof as in the moments when I am not happy.But something intrinsic changes.A sense of peace comes upon,an inner quietness decends,which for sometime atleast takes the incessant chatter of the mind.How paradoxical life is,isn't it? I can appreciate these moments of rare silence more than most people who are usually more happy than me.I sit typing away at the keyboard and thinking of how great it is to be happy and at the same time how easy.The hope, which I usually have the habit of denouncing,suddenly seems to be my best friend.How confident one can be in the absoluteness of misery and at the evanescence of happiness.And how wrong.And no doubt Einstein was right about relativity of time.Misery is as fair-weather a friend as happiness,it's just that it seems to bear with us a lot more.Right now,as much as I'm enjoying my solitude,I wouldn't mind if some of you fellow bloggers were here.Including Saby.Infact this article I dedicate to him.He so wanted me to write something happy.So here I am.Jesus-the God.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

I still feel profound dislocation in society. I feel disconnected from most people, and it's painful. I think I am quite tormented by the halls of hell I've constructed in my own mind. I realise it's all perception, and mine is fundamentally flawed. I fall within the dark and dangerous structures of my mind too easily, too often. Shaky ground. Rotting structures. I see most things these days in terms of decay. It's not right, not healthy. When I see the beauty of life it moves me to tears. I cry for those things lost, although when they were in the present I was unable to enjoy them due to the fact I was mourning the past past. Catch 22s and spiked paradox wherever you roam. What the hell is the key to peace and contentment? How does one so profoundly change one's perception? Inner peace must be the greatest gift...

You know, I don't believe suicide is an outlet, as tempting as it seems at times. Because I really think that if and when you take your life in such a way, you awaken shortly afterward again to your own mind, your own perception. No escape. Something you must work through, grow.

But I don't know how I'm changing or if I'm growing. I've always been these way, the morbid melancholic. Tormented as a child, and now still as a child in this ageing body. In many ways I just long to escape the body. Shirk this shell.

Shirk this hell.

Sorry for being dramatic, I'm just being too much of myself today. Life is hard. As always

Monday, April 16, 2007

The Unnamed feeling

It shall recover.And who in the turbid world of unknown looks past the shimmer of new and beautiful?.Must be archeologist of the relics or some pirate looking for the booty in the turbulent infinite oceans of gray.The splash of colors is too in-the-face againt the backdrop of black velvety curtain of blandness,and emptiness.The courage to look behind the curtain is rare because madness is hidden,a wild untamed beast,ready to pounce and shread the soul to pieces.And the lonliness of specialness is a burden more heavy than the weight of the world on the shoulders of Atlas.In the darkness of skies unlimited,thousand stars blink-soft,static and utterly desolte.The universe is so big.I am in awe.I fear.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Same old me

I am back.

I thought I wouldn't,but I am.And guess what,I haven't changed much.I thought I will,but I haven't.I still am the same schizoid,fucked up,misfit I always was.So fuck with positive thinking and fuck it all.My creative abilities have left me and I am shameless enough to admit that and still write.Such desperation!

I reckon something HAS changed in a way.I am sorry I jumped the gun when I thought that I was still the same loser I was.I can't handle my loneliness anymore.I used to earlier,now it makes me mad.Madder.

I wish for some kind of connection.You guys who used to read me,were my connection.I hope you guys don't leave me.Haha in a way you can't.cuz you aren't real.I love you unreal people.The real assholes are just too fucked up.

Welcome me back.