Saturday, June 11, 2005

Before I go-go.

Well it had to be like this.They finally decided that trying to keep me with 'sane' people and wishing i'd be okay by myself is hoping for too much.Once again I am being sent to some kinda 'institution'.The underside of being born into an affluent,social snob family is that they have 'exclusive' for everything.Even asylums.So the place I will be taken to would be ultra modern and beautiful; 'for-the-super richs'.Not quite the thing they showed in 'One flew over cuckoos nest'. Not even 'Girl,Interrupted' kind.My doctor tells me it would be very much like a home.Hehe she had a Freudian-slip at that( a term I learnt from her).An asylum-a Home.I won't be missing mom and dad there,I'm sure.
My doctor still thinks that I might harm myself if I am left alone to myself.She has to be right,after all the certificates she gathered from universities in France and elsewhere are sufficient proof that if she declares someone 'depressive and given to violent self-destructing impulses' she must be listened.And my dad always trusts univ. diplomas.
So now I would be kept in a place under close-circuits i'm sure,hawks keeping an eye on my every itch and even a pointed pen would be considered an object which could be used to harm.I might be given a computer with just enough access so that i can visit only 'safe sites'.My poems would be scrutinized for every hook and line or comma or period which might be a 'pointer for deep seated angst and rebellion'.I am ready for it all.I'm not sure if they are ready for me.
So long..if they think even blogging might be 'dangerous activity'.Otherwise I would keep blogging.And yeah my doctor tells me i'd be out in 3-4 months.Another Freudian slip i'm sure.She used the word 'out'.A jail is it? A luxurious jail? A golden cage? I asked her that.She's a cool one,i must say.She told me that it's ME who tells that the whole world is a cage,so whats the difference if the cage is golden.good retort.But oh well,i never liked golden color.I hope the walls there are white,if not purple.

Meltdown Messiah.

Stand up and radiate
Enlightenment is fast approaching.
Wealth can no longer be quantified.
Jesus expires from sheer redundancy,
Dragged down to the Underworld
by the weight of his beard
to rejoin the cursed and despised.
An iridescent Lucifer takes his place
in the morning sky.
Celebrity is cowardice;
Twilight is pleasure.
Peel back the scabs-
Let the tears burn smooth your skin.
Those halos are made of Kryptonite,
and the stars are no good unless you eat them.
Heaven fancies itself shadowless,
But you, in your tainted imperfection,
Are an electric eel
Swimming the Milky Way;
A Chinese lantern
atop Mount Olympus;
An atom bomb blast,
scorching the earth
where your feet touch down.

Thursday, June 09, 2005


Compelled by austere tragedies
the meat of burnt dreams lay frozen
in a family barbecue of summer evening
a feast for the worms,
sucking the thick red blood that ooze;
almost oozes from the aneroxic stillness.
Cascaded with ghosts of dead rocks
and fishpond surfaces,they loiter aimless
the spirits of sullen dreams.
Nothing but the tick toc of a rusty clock
measured and slow.
Contemptuous of the carnival
understands the vacant eyes of the boy in shadows
prodigious silence,listening to
the grinding of the stars.crumbling to dust
a star-dust which sprinkles the misty lake
relics of some ancient God's dream
that died a fitting death.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005


I sometimes look for reasons why I am still living.Sometimes the reasons are hard to come by.Sometimes they are as in-the-face as the sarcasm of your mom/dad.I was lying on the floor again last evening(thats one of the ways i relax when my mind is zooming and taking me to all kinda of crazy places) and suddenly I was overwhelmed by the enormity of this thought--"why am i still existing?".I needed an answer urgently and i sensed that.In my overzealous teenage fits,when i didn't get the answers instantly i would start smashing things around and cutting myself..just to attract attention,mind you.I never wanted to die,but to get close.Like not wanting to enter thru' the doors and reach the 'other side' but maybe peep thru the keyholes.And believe me,peeped i did.many times.But these days,teenage angst has paid off i'm bored and old(to borrow a line from Kurt Cobain who incidently said his goodbyes at age 27..i am 23),so i just laid down and waited for the answer to come.I sensed that music was playing in my stereo system.A pink floyd cd i had put and forgotten about it.And then i realised that music ,and music made like THAT is one of the reasons I am here.They really astound me.How can a group of people have soo great a talent.It's unfair.I envy.The artistic freedom they had,and the uninhibited use they made of it,is nothing short of miraculous.It's divine and maks me feel closer to God.The shrikes of monstrous bird,a chopper nosily hovering,reaching into mind shattering crecendo of tumultuous noise merging softly into soothing guitar and keyboard sounds.That time i don't want to stir.Just be one with the music.And be drowned in it.Lost in the cesspool of the ripples it creates,oblivious to every oblivion that stares me in the face.Floyd will rescue me anyday.
Oh and btw, i can create every Floyd tune on my Fender.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Square one.

The wild dance of shadows in my head
No one cries a sad symphony
bitter truth hurts the blazing sun
morphing it into a surreal blackhole
nothing escapes.not even the darkness...of makeshift laughter.

A flick of the switch,all awashed.
artificiality smooches away the hollow
of the masked indifference.
Vapid,smooth,cunning and tempting
the taste of the salty tears.
And the taste of the sweeping emptiness..tasteless.

The expensive tombstone hides
the breathing corpse from hurt,and sunshine.
Needlessly riding the oceanic waves
the heart hails the coral sea shells
infinite beauties lie sealed,pearls unborn
or rotten,looted,killed in the pregnancy..oh a merciless death!

Friday, June 03, 2005

Dots in the sky.

The unbridged distances between us
linger on and finally merge into oblivion
in my sleep
A sleep of dreams,fluttering butterfly wings
of eyelids.Soft and colorful
like our future.
Fragile are my dreams,my angel
and tattered are your wings
Relentlessly,the concrete of the roads
try to ashen our hopes.
Entomb me in the ocean of your love
and drape our hope
in the safe womb of your faith.
Scarlet virgin blood of our angst
will dissolve the grey of sadness.
You and I will smile
We will--you'll see,my deartest.