Smiling me

Suddenly I am happy.No reason as such,just happy.I was flicking the TV channels when a home-videos-of-kids-doing-silly-kiddish-things caught my eye.I dislike kids.They are too noisy and too clumsy.But that video brought up memories of my own childhood and an incident when I was 'recorded' and it might have made into that damn TV channel.

I was a toddler and in our montessori school we had to enact a nursery rhyme for the Anzac day celeberations in our school.I was a 'lost soul' even when I was kid but since dad had donated generous amounts to the school and the church so I was taken as one of the actors.We were acting 'Humpty- Dumpty' and they decided that the only way they could be sure of me not messing things on stage would be to cast me in a cardboard egg shaped dress and make me Mr.Humpty-Dumpty.Dad and Mom were excited and so was I about the prospect of me-getting-on-stage-and-being-a-central-character.I was okay in rehearsals until the A-day arrived.Everything was running smoothly.Dad and mom was fliming me...I was sitting on a 3 ft makeshift wall on stage,ready to fall when the 'had a great fall' lines come.And somehow when the lines came..i didn't fall.I was sitting there,my egg-shaped dress over me.The instructor(I saw the video and hence i know) repeated the lines 7 times,and still no fall.Needless to say the show was a huge flop.The people there had the sense of humor to find the thing 'hilarious',but to me..it was just a sleep due to boredom.

The traits of boredom were in me since a very small age.It's just that sleep has left me now a bit.

I am still smiling thinking of that homevideo. TV viewing is sometimes good too.

He laughs

A way ward day,rumbling,breathing slow and heavy.A bloodless sun that shouted violent anger.Mindlessness,tension,sticky atmosphere.I've seen it all and yet,nothing at all.A new day?Complex webs interlocked and we..pawns with strings attached,or mere fodder to be devoured by the hungry God.Born on the notion of an omnipotent and a loving God,we forget the villany and the infinite thirst for blood.A great aim of our being born is to be,one day,an offering to God's hunger.A great mockery, a grand illusion painted by the great Gardener up above.He plants the seedlings,and we oh poor seedlings think of us a volitional beings.We fight,survival of the fittest,and then we all turn to dust nah..food,the fittest as well as the weakest.And He gets stronger,to plant more seeds and to laugh when the plants fight amongst themselves,in the battle to be the last to quench His unsatiated thirst.

She

Feverish monsters of unfurled future
complex,intricate and lonesome
They sit in wait ;and slowly I move.
Suspended animation of a wide eyed soul
hung on amphetamine and paranoia
A sudden chill grasps ;muted, I ponder.
Discolored photoframes,decayed leaves
of our possible pasts lay scattered.
Crushed by the tiny feet of childhood
fragile petals.The smell still lingers on.
The night sky blossoms a starlit robe
Wearing the blackness she sits pretty
Her halo all the more dreamy
,in gloom,she cries;The Moon.
Breathing heavy ,the night sighs it's last
the pearly tears fade into a soft dawn
cruel,isn't it?The way she cries
And beautiful the way she dies and exhumes

Bullet the blue skies

It had a strange taste of sweet delight
Uncertain,squeaky,parabloic height
unwelcome guest this cold sudden fright
A tight leash,can't breath,losing sight.
Cornered you sit alone,drop of sweat hangs
anticipation,frustration,and hunger pangs
tears won't roll out,you choke oh dang!
a soft lullaby of a metal bullet that bangs.
Sleep now you weary one,deathbed awaits
soft,inviting,accomodating, open gates
a hollow laugh,welcomes the dawn,too late
stick the pen in ink,let the paper mutilate.

Death of the night.

Unknown,unhurried and unsung
my heart sings a tune
meandering into the speechless abyss
haunting the timelessness
A tune of lazy happiness.

Awake,the murmur says
the day has grown,a beautiful crimson day.
chirping are the birds,blooming are the flowers
lilies of golden hue,dipped in dew
A pregnent promise.

Dreams,oh lovely dreams of dark
evanescent into the piercing sun rays
the chords morph to chaos.
why oh why the sun must rise?
why oh why night must die?

The Core

There is a growing awareness in me of my own uncleanliness.An unclean spirit.Impurity of the original kind.I have tried to be blind to it.It has caught up with me,in a big way.Restlessness has abated and morphed into something more placid.A sense of belonging with the yuck that I feel.Something in me astonishes me.I demand too much of an integration.I wanted to be bad to the core,and that seemed an easier task than being completely good.And somehow the work isn't finished.The core isn't corroded yet.It won't.I have tried my best.It won't take over the rust of disgust.It stands clean and shining,a dot amidst an ocean of filth.And the beauty of that tiny dot is what hurts.I have come to realise that wiping myself of the face of existance isn't the way to destroy that speck.It won't budge.Death somehow is not THE END.It's another circle.A vicious one.I can't live unclean and for me to be completely numb,I need to be completely unclean.I would rather write a poem on this tearing apart,but am too devoid of any inspiration.People like me are dangerous,but to whom? I always wondered.I am a bad influence maybe.I need a break..a certain dissociation from 'life'.I would want to return.When and in what form I know not.It won't be a rebirth,as I am not particularly amused by the idea of suicide.It's time consuming and involves a lot of variables and somehow there are people who would really miss me,and somehow I am not THAT selfish to hurt them.I need the solitude of oblivion.I am so oblivious to it in the end.The constant self talk must be replaced by a frozen silence.The perfect idea to live forever would be to live in a frozen state.Life is so beautiful.And so is ice.

~~~in my imgination unbirdled wild
oh how like a way- ward child
that smilingly smashes all his toys
world after world i create and destroy~~~

Night Out

It was a rustic evening.I was listening to the beautiful music made by Mark Knofler and suddenly it struck me that Ihaven't laughed in a while.Laughter is divine and just as experiences of divine are rare,so is it.I decided it was time for me to have such an experience.So i went out.It was close to 10 pm and the streets were kinda lonley.I wanted to be happy.The air was cool and the wind had an excitement.I knew i would find some reason to laugh...to be happy.I walked for an hour.Walking at night is wonderful thing when you have nothing else to do.I guess i was smoking too.I saw some drunk dude coming out with his girl from some pub.They looked as if they were anticipating something exciting.But the look on the boys face was more of the vulgar kind and the girl seemed nervous.Oh well..thats certainly not a reason to smile.In the parking of a crowded shop was this big car and standing near to it was this HUGE woman,with some packets in her hand and a man,I am assuming him to be her chauffer,but can be her husband for that matter.She looked bossy and he looked meek.I wanted to laugh,but all what came out was a duh!.I moved on.

I decided to head back.And i finally reached home.Mark Knofler was still playing."why worry" was the song.It made me smile..nah..laugh.