Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Echoes(farewell my sweetheart)

Everyone is searching for happiness.My search is more of a selfish nature.I am always wanting for some happiness which would last to eternity.It's a weird concept for many who think that pain is a reality when we have accepted life.I refuse to internalize that concept.I stand for nothing but purest happiness and if I cannot have that,I'd embrace sadness in it's completeness.

I have recently found that while entwining myself in the soft,misty fog of pain I lost my initial search of happiness.Two people in IT recently were responsible for shaking me from my perpetual slumber and showing me light.Sebia and Dewdrops.Though Dewdy and I haven't talked much with each other,her blog has given a final push to the morphosis started by Sebia.Sebia ofcourse is the primary cause.There were people (and I am only naming ppl in IT chat,there are others in real life..i'd thank 'em personally) who have been working on me,not consciously but just by being themselves,and by showing traces of happiness in them which I felt were genuine.They are Keshi,Pink_gurl,Noelle,roz..,misty_lilac,dovey and yeah footloose_slinger.My salutes to you all.And without the mention of mili it would be so incomplete.She healed my self-wounded heart with her purity.I love her.I love you all.

It's looking like a farewell note.It is.I hope to bury my faithful partner--pain today.Good riddance i hope.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Mellon Collie and the Infinte happiness

I am asked the question many times that why my posts are depressing.I really ,when I am writing them,never feel that they are in anyway sad,but yeah the sensibilities differ and even I admit,when looking at my posts when I am not in one of my 'mellon-collie' moods,that the posts ARE depressing.I must learn the art of coating the sadness with sarcasm.It makes a good writing sense too.But the reason I am writing this post is to self-examine the reason why I get into such states.

One of the obvious reason is medical--manic-depression.I still feel that even though it runs in my family,my hightened sensitivity makes me all the more prone to mood swings.I remember one particular incident from my childhood which never can escape from my memory(my short term memory is fucked up,but memories that happened before my drug abuse days are intact).I was 5 when my parents took me to a fun park.We were back there in Aus those days.And contrary to wht my present state my suggest,i had a loving family and my parents are one of the most loving people I can ever hope to the park they bought me a pink helium ballon.It was THE happiness for me.I tied it on my little hand and would not let go of it.During one of the rides though,the thread somehow got free..I screamed murder as my balloon rose into the air.I saw it going up,rising towards the sun as I was crying with tears..pleading it to come back.The thing which had given me so much happiness was leaving me now.And something more dawned on me as I saw the balloon rising up in the air,getting smaller in my vision,racing to disappear behind the sun,or someplace else.I could feel,some part of myself had gone with the balloon.It was probably a part of my skin,my sweat,a part of my hair,something,anything..which had gone,vanished.The period of hysterical cries was followed by a stunned silence.I felt,as i still feel now-reliving the moment and writing about it..a sudden darkness dropping in me,burying me in it's weight.I always had an active imagination.My dad brought me another balloon,but somehow something was gone.It never came back.Not even now.

I experience happiness too,much better than you people.And that makes the long runs between moments of happiness more damnable for me.I admit that i get too down at times,sometimes at the point of thinking in terms of suicide(I was watching a documentry on brain surgery and found that brain has no feelings of pain.'shooting my brains out' seem to be the least painful of the methods to die..hehe,am kidding..or maybe not),but these moments are rare.Most of the time I am in a normal state,my 'normal' ofcourse much down when compared to you all--readers of this blog,but know what..i assure ya my highs are much higher too.

~~my vallies are deep and my mountains high
into the arms of ether,my spirit rise and fly
i slip back,my wings tattered and in rags
i'll rise soon,a phoenix from the ashes of my death~~

Friday, September 24, 2004

Frozen Salts(letter to myself)

Belief can be so difficult to summon from inside of oneself... Or perhaps that is faith. Hmm, it must be faith, because belief is easily created and subsequently misappropriated by fallible minds in order to suit less than holy purposes. Yes, faith is not belief. Faith is purer, and devoid of the stringent and often convolutedly irrational complexities made necessary by belief. Yet I tend to marry the two, my intellect weaving a haphazard system of belief around my faith, a periodically amending it by any number of required loopholes. Loopholes that I can more easily dismiss, or casually overlook, when I am frantically involved with earth-oriented matters. I find it easiest to submit to faith when I am reveling in the cold and desolate dejection of earthly disappointment. And so in a paradoxical way, the pain pertaining to this world, that I am so loathe to suffer whilst suffering, is literally craved for when matters of the 'now' have settled somewhat, and my existential fears for human life in relation to eternity return. In this sense my mind knows only suffering, was borne both into and from suffering, and can't seem to do without it.

What if you were to go? I'm trapped in a selfish place right now, and the part of me that has made of you a god can't bear to contemplate godlessness. I'm frightened for you, for myself and for us all, but faith will return to quell my fears once again, won't it? May I feel it in its straight, raw power, without the need to make a story line? In other circumstances, I might say that feeling without thought is a pastime as dangerous as thinking without feeling, but not in reference to faith. Thinking without feeling is always dangerous, but one is permitted to feel without thought when it comes to faith, because for the most part, coupling thought with faith merely dirties the latter, spawning a confused, destructive (no matter how well-meaning) creation named Belief.

We're in the midst of an encroaching curtain of rain, but we are not we, and are instead snowflakes falling to earth, which is our target destination. Earth is the "Nirvana" we are hoping to reach, and the raindrops are representative of the 'others'. Externally, we appear to be colder and tougher than the rest, but it is ironically them, in their unsuspectingly innocent guise of sameness, who are capable of willfully destroying us. We are fragile, falling softly and tentatively, as the horde unthinkingly proceed to mindless destruction. They would readily engulf us, and you too acknowledged that they would consume us either way; we could melt into and merge with them, thus sacrificing ourselves to their cause, or refuse to join them and be sacrificed. But we are all falling to our deaths.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Doors of perception:chat rooms

I will write about my perception of chat.It won't be asthetically beautiful, nor it would be skilfully gloved in sarcasm.It would be raw and brutual.It would be as raw as rotten carcass.I hope you'll not read it.If you do..well, you are free to hate/love me.

I was told to explore chat by my shrink.She is a lovely women who thinks that since I am living in the real(??) world, I should learn to wear masks as people do.It's a social measure and something which differentiates us from animals,those were her views.She often told me that I should better learn to cope with the world as it is,rather than try banging my head against my idealistic idea if how it SHOULD be.I really like my shrink.She is just sooo learned.But well..I am so me.She told me that people have to smile when they don't want,say 'i love you' when they want to say 'go fuck yerself' cuz it's important to maintian social structures and their own images.She gave me the idea that probably in chat when we are sitting behind a terminal..'they' can be real.I thought of giving it a try.I was disappointed at first.Now it's amusing.I guess it happens when you've grown numb, or cynical.

I have met some wonderful people in here,I have to admit.Keshi and pink_gurl were my first buddies in chat.I can easily sift thru the witless- sexstarved- sadists that abound in chat and see the 'real' ppl.They are such a rarity.In real life as well.They were the first people who I found were real.Then I like Mallika(whom I call fondly call Mili),She's one treasure too.So young and so talented.And yeah so sweet.I like Tina as well.Sometimes though she makes me think that she's my friend,just cuz she doesn't wanna hurt my feelings.It disturbs me and disgusts me.She might not be at all like that,but well...I always liked misty_lilac.She would address me when i'd enter the room "ash_b1" and i'd always reply 'hey misty_lilac(waves)'.Sometimes that was the only thing we conversed with each other(if ya discount "how are ya?" "fine" formalities).She still is someone I like.axls_babe is another fav. of mine.She talks music with me.She makes me feel that I 'belong'.I like roz..,she would always ask me 'how am i?'..and it always was a genuine inquiry.Dove is another one my favs.She would say so little.But she gives friendly vibes.She's such a sweetheart.There's one more who calls herself-- noone.She's one really funny one.She makes me smile everytime I meet her.And then i like Sebia.She is arrogant and talented.Moody and sweet.She reminds me of myself in some ways( the 'moody' and 'arrogant' part).She's one of my favs. too.

Among the men I like dilbert and footloose_slinger.I disliked both of them initially.Dilbert was less of a pain in the ass,but the first image i had in mind for footloose was pretty ugly.I thought of him as a loser, a bum who took pleasure in tormenting ppl with his profanities cuz he didn't have any soul.I changed my views on him.He is a wonderful humanbeing who just sometimes acts like an asshole.I like him.Dilbert is my fav. male most days.He is witty and dignified.I like 4u2nv too.He's a fellow aussie and a friend of Keshi.I like him for his innocence.He's a good person.There are people who don't give a fuck about me and I still like 'em.adorable is one such person.I respect that man.

I would now pour my venom on those I hate.I would not mince words.I'll start with females...The first would be _29fmiami.She's the female version of footy(his INITIAL image i.e)She really seems to me to be a girl who is attracted to asswipes who'd suck upto her.She has no decency and no sense of burying the hatchet.She can rot in hell,for all i care.I have an acute distaste for all the 'muaah' kinda chicks.goondidoc is at the top of the charts of those types.She prolly just lacks intelligence.She can be forgiven.I never shout at her.I just iggy her.She prolly gets on chat when she's had an overdose of valium.And then there are innumberable who fall into either of these kinds.There is filth all around.

I'll come to men now.I have no sense of being a 'blessed' one as Sebia has.I think .virus(or vix or susu if they're the same person) is just too disgusting and horrible.People like him make me hate humanity even more.Atleast for my insane chaos I have a reason .I know I am not 'sane'..manic-depression is eating my soul,but guys like him who are 'sane' and probably not under any meds or shirnk..are a threat to society(not that i give a flying fuck about deserve each other),but for other sensitive ppl who sometime fumble into chat for some peace,i worry for them.

There are so many more.The homies of him and many more..i just can't remember the nicks.I just wanna spit at ya'll.*spits*

I guess i have vented enough.I must close the article now.i LOVE you--the people who i like.and to the people I dislike---Duh!

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

My fav. Poem

I am not doing something original toady.I am so tired and stripped of all originality.I saw one write up from Sebia and somehow her article on chat-escape-frm-reality..made me think of this poem by Charles Baudelaire.It always makes me cry.It's called 'A strange man's dream'

Have you felt – I have – a pain that you enjoyed?
Do they say about you, too: ‘How strange he is!’
I was dying, and a special agony
filled my eager soul: dread and desire,
anguish and expectation – no sense of revolt.
The closer I came to what would be the end,
the sharper was my torment and the more welcome;
my heart was wrenching free from the usual world.
I was like a child in front of a stage,
hating the curtain as if it were in the way…
Finally the cold truth was revealed:
I had simply died, and the terrible dawn
enveloped me. Could this be all there is?
The curtain was up, and I was waiting still.

It's so sad. So beautiful.So filled with hope.I hope you guys appreciate it.I'll post some of my own poems soon.

Friday, September 17, 2004

Children of the sea

~~~Synthetic lives of the angels and devils
the monsters that rose from oceans
riding on the biggest waves
I-- stand apart, laugh as blood dripped tears fall from my eyes~~~~

I am astounded by the thoughts that randomly strike my chaotic mind.I am a manic depressive so at least I shouldn't be surprized by the vivid textures my imagination shows me.I sometimes like to follow a trail of thought and to see where it ends.I am in such a mood this evening.I will write about thoughts.

These nebulous angels which arise from the nebula of the unknown ocean,they are so perplexing.Even otherwise 'normal' people that i have seen ,seem not to be in control of them.These sparks of electricity that flow thru' the cobwebs and the wires(haywire) of the mesh--what they call as 'brain',where do they originate?The so called 'original' thoughts where are they born?The recycle shit is born in our dark chambers of mind,but is there some universal consciousness which pregnates the ether with the original soul-anteenas ready to grasp them,give them shape of words and mould them.I always wonder if the process of moulding somehow distracts one from the real beauty of thoughts.I guess it's like a sculpture.We forget the clay and remember the final product.

I am intrigued by modern art.It gives my headspace so many imageries.It might be a byproduct of my acid days but i still see images in nature which aren't visible to 'sane' eyes.Now how would i describe them to you, dear reader.I cannot.They are in my mind, they are ..i suppose, original images(my shrink tells me they are residues of subconscious and lsd trails..damn Sigmund Freud).These images are born in the dark waves of my mind.And i give them shape and color by my words.My brush paints vivid colors.Striking colors of gloom intercepted with mute colors of esctasy.The morpheous of dreams trouble me with it's own visions.I saw blood tears today.I am so scared.I typed sacred instead of scared intially.haha!..i guess I am all over the place.I should end the piece now.

I would like the reader to think upon the origin of thoughts.I am mindfried.Anyone who would read my piece , I hope has a drug-free mind.I cringe for a clean, pure mind.I will never have it this life.I wish you--who are reading it,are not the judgemental type who would consider my jottings as some outpouring of a lunatic.It's not a plea.Just a wish.I am not begging.I am just asking.

I am smiling.

Monday, September 13, 2004

Me Myself and I

It's funny that I am doing this.I used to think that creating blogs and the like were for people who had life to waste and time to kill or silly perverts who would spill their libido on webpages just to satisfy a mornonic,sadist urge in themselves.I have such a low opinion on people.But no frets, I have a low opinion on myself as well.

People who know me think of me as a former junkie whose mind is fried with all the pharma I did,beyound repair.I chanced upon a quote from some eminent spiritual Godman who said --"The ultimate nirvana is the trancending of your mind.When you lose your mind,you find your being".In that case, I think I have found myself.And what did I find.A lot of emptiness and a lot of restlessness.The emptiness is understandable,but restlessness?.I wish I can ever find something to quench this restlessness.But if that Godman is true,it's my being.I cannot escape from my being can I?.What a trap*sighs*

I like music.And I like cats.I am somewhat intrigued by astrology as well.And blackholes facinate me too.I am all over the place.I am so me!.

I have done some bloodpaintings which I would post sometime later in here.They are grotesque and shocking,not for me but for people who look at them.I don't want to shock people and yet they are mostly shocked or baffled by my prescence.And yet there are people who like me.I guess it's a sense of for the love of the mystic-insane that makes them like me.They may like me for other reasons as well, but as I said I have a low opinion on myself.Oh and I forgot to mention..people who dislike me far exceed those who like me.I am not surprised.

I think i have embarrassed the reader long enough(if anyone reads this piece of trite anyways.umm..on second thoughts I WILL promote it).Dear reader,I often embarrass myself you're not the only one I am disturbing.I should end your suffering for now.I am in a kind mood today.I had a good breakfast.